KFC's Variety (Not-So-Big) Big Box Meal

for the last two or three months, they've been putting up a KFC/Taco Bell across the street from work. as soon as i found out that KFC was going up, i began joking that i was gonna be first in line to order the giant Variety Big Box Meal stuffed full of chicken and chicken accessories that i'd been seeing on TV. i stared out the window, across the street for months waiting in giddy anticipation...

well, the place finally opened for business earlier this week but i didn't catch it in time and wasn't the first in line. but, today was gonna be a long day so i waited til my stomach was about to collapse from starvation and headed over to get my giant box of chicken.

when i arrived, i didn't see the Big Box Meal on the menu and thought, 'what the hell???'. after a few more frantic seconds, i did find what i was looking for in the lower left of the menu. $6.99 for leg or thigh, chicken strip, biscuit, popcorn chicken, two sides, and a drink. i couldn't believe this place could stay open selling that much food for that little a price!!! they had to be going broke!!!

while i was searching for my Big Box on the menu, this fat lady and her son or short lesbian lover (i think it was a son), tried to cut in line but a lil bit of the ol stink eye straightened her out and i was up. i placed the order for my meal with mashed potatoes and potato wedges as my side and filled my cup with Mountain Dew as i waited.

since i ordered a couple tacos for my coworker (who foolishly declined to participate in the oncoming orgy of chicken foods), i went to grab some mild Taco Bell sauce but there was only one left in the self-serve sauce tray. my coworker specifically asked me to 'grab a handful of that mild crap' so i asked one of the workers for some mild sauce and she handed me several packets but totally ignored the sauce tray. i thought that kind of slackedness didn't come until the grand opening was long gone, but i guess these workers have been trained well right off the bat. bravo!

a blonde teenager called my order number and tossed the LARGE bag of food on the counter and left, so i snatched it and scurried back to work hardly able to contain myself.

i tossed the two tacos out of the bag and set my Big Box box on a flat surface that i was sure could support the mass of chicken and a soft drink. as i was sure i'd need them, i set aside half a dozen napkins to wipe my face and hands from the explosion of food that was about to happen. then i opened the box...

and my heart sank. occupying a majority of the Big Box was air. i mean, there was so much empty white space in there that you'd think this was some pretentious art school project. in one corner was the mashed potatoes in a styrofoam tub with the potato wedges floating in a tasteful white border in the corner above. in the opposite corner of the mashed potatoes was the only portion of chicken of substance, the popcorn popper things. below the popcorn popper things were the shriveled, pitiful chicken strip, and an equally anorexic-looking chicken leg. missing from the Bad News Bears in a Box was my biscuit. cocksuckers! they left out my carbs! sigh. i asked if anyone wanted to order Chinese food but my fate was sealed. i had to do the deed.

let me fast forward and say that the food sucked, as it would have even if it looked like the picture of the box overflowing with piping hot, succulent pre-pubescent, original recipe-, and crispy-fried chicken parts that they show on the KFC website. no getting around that. the popcorn popper things were the only decent part of the meal. oh, the Mountain Dew too.

all my coworkers gathered 'round and laughed at me as i ate all the food in one bite. let's just say i learned my lesson. what that lesson is specifically? well, many, i think. first, fuck KFC. they suck. they should let their miserable chickens grow up before they fry them. next, they need a fucking person holding a goddam checklist to make sure the biscuit goes in the basket. also, they could save some trees by making their Big Box not-so-big. it's like buying Magnums if you're Asian -- FORGETABOUTIT!. you don'd need em! uh, and i guess in conclusion, time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.