I Hate Snow

'WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 3 AM EST SATURDAY...'

sweet! i'd been watching the weather forecasts for Friday almost constantly for the past few days in anticipation of our first dumping of snow. previous snowfalls had been rather pathetic and Sam, The Dog was itching to play in some 'pow-pow'. the weather sites called for 100% chance of snow starting at 10a becoming heavy in the afternoon up to 8 inches stacked. perfect.

Thursday night i considered piling a bunch of water jugs into the bed of my truck to help with traction. i dismissed this idea thinking the streets would be plowed just fine. Friday morning was cloudy and cold so i headed into work as usual (late). all day i stared out the windows and there was nothing. it was past 1p and there was nothing. i cursed and started making plans for lunch to take my mind off snow.

sometime around 1:30p or so, my boss yelled at me from the top of the shop stairs to help outside and i could see it coming down hard. yes! we packed up and continued to work. and it continued to snow. we had several inches on the deck and shoveling was useless. i shoveled a bunch of snow into the bed of my truck again wondering if i should have weighed it down some. the snow was too fluffy to make a difference but the shoveling was good exercise.

a little after 3:00p, we decided to close up and head home so Steve and i made plans to play in the snow later. this was gonna be fun!

so i brushed off my car and started to head down 44 toward Avon Mountain. in retrospect, i could compare it to Frodo heading to Mount Doom to drop the ring off in the pit of fire. difference being i am a lot taller than Frodo, i don't have hairy feet, i don't have a ring, there is no pit of fire that i know of, and my friend Sam is a dog who, unlike faithful Samwise, would NOT lift a paw to save me from drowning.

going was slow but easy all along 44 through Canton and Avon but i noticed my driver side windshield was collecting ice. no problemo, i thought, and cranked up the defrost. there was little traffic and i made it to the base of Avon Mountain (Mt. Doom) and this is where i, like Frodo, almost met my demise (albeit with all my fingers in tact).

right from the getgo i lost traction as the hill steepened sharply and the rear of my truck fishtailed to the right but i kept it straight for the most part. momentum is your friend in these conditions and i was without any friends. in order to keep traction, i had to slow it down but every single time i hit the gas i started to get wonky. so combined with the steep uphill, i was not in a good position. every time oncoming traffic approached, i hoped my truck would stay in my lane and if it didn't, that death would come swiftly, and if i died, that i wouldn't poop or pee in my pants, and if i did, that no one would take pictures.

the road leveled for a bit (not really) then got steep again and here is where i honestly thought i would start sliding backwards. my car would not go forward at all -- only sideways. i was in a bit of a jam and considered just pulling over to let the two cars behind me pass, but if i did that, i knew for sure i'd be paying for a tow off Mt. Doom. and how would that look to the other Hobbits? CHARGE!!!!

at this point, a voice in my head said 'use the force', or something like that, and i just gassed it and regained good traction and got the sled up to warp speed and over the crest of the hill. relieved to say the least, albeit blind from all the ice on my windshield. i spent the rest of the drive home leaning in the passenger seat to see the road, cursing the snow.

in the end, i made it home just fine and Sam, The Dog, loved playing in the snow. he lost his toy, though and it's probably lost until spring. asshole.

KFC's Variety (Not-So-Big) Big Box Meal

for the last two or three months, they've been putting up a KFC/Taco Bell across the street from work. as soon as i found out that KFC was going up, i began joking that i was gonna be first in line to order the giant Variety Big Box Meal stuffed full of chicken and chicken accessories that i'd been seeing on TV. i stared out the window, across the street for months waiting in giddy anticipation...

well, the place finally opened for business earlier this week but i didn't catch it in time and wasn't the first in line. but, today was gonna be a long day so i waited til my stomach was about to collapse from starvation and headed over to get my giant box of chicken.

when i arrived, i didn't see the Big Box Meal on the menu and thought, 'what the hell???'. after a few more frantic seconds, i did find what i was looking for in the lower left of the menu. $6.99 for leg or thigh, chicken strip, biscuit, popcorn chicken, two sides, and a drink. i couldn't believe this place could stay open selling that much food for that little a price!!! they had to be going broke!!!

while i was searching for my Big Box on the menu, this fat lady and her son or short lesbian lover (i think it was a son), tried to cut in line but a lil bit of the ol stink eye straightened her out and i was up. i placed the order for my meal with mashed potatoes and potato wedges as my side and filled my cup with Mountain Dew as i waited.

since i ordered a couple tacos for my coworker (who foolishly declined to participate in the oncoming orgy of chicken foods), i went to grab some mild Taco Bell sauce but there was only one left in the self-serve sauce tray. my coworker specifically asked me to 'grab a handful of that mild crap' so i asked one of the workers for some mild sauce and she handed me several packets but totally ignored the sauce tray. i thought that kind of slackedness didn't come until the grand opening was long gone, but i guess these workers have been trained well right off the bat. bravo!

a blonde teenager called my order number and tossed the LARGE bag of food on the counter and left, so i snatched it and scurried back to work hardly able to contain myself.

i tossed the two tacos out of the bag and set my Big Box box on a flat surface that i was sure could support the mass of chicken and a soft drink. as i was sure i'd need them, i set aside half a dozen napkins to wipe my face and hands from the explosion of food that was about to happen. then i opened the box...

and my heart sank. occupying a majority of the Big Box was air. i mean, there was so much empty white space in there that you'd think this was some pretentious art school project. in one corner was the mashed potatoes in a styrofoam tub with the potato wedges floating in a tasteful white border in the corner above. in the opposite corner of the mashed potatoes was the only portion of chicken of substance, the popcorn popper things. below the popcorn popper things were the shriveled, pitiful chicken strip, and an equally anorexic-looking chicken leg. missing from the Bad News Bears in a Box was my biscuit. cocksuckers! they left out my carbs! sigh. i asked if anyone wanted to order Chinese food but my fate was sealed. i had to do the deed.

let me fast forward and say that the food sucked, as it would have even if it looked like the picture of the box overflowing with piping hot, succulent pre-pubescent, original recipe-, and crispy-fried chicken parts that they show on the KFC website. no getting around that. the popcorn popper things were the only decent part of the meal. oh, the Mountain Dew too.

all my coworkers gathered 'round and laughed at me as i ate all the food in one bite. let's just say i learned my lesson. what that lesson is specifically? well, many, i think. first, fuck KFC. they suck. they should let their miserable chickens grow up before they fry them. next, they need a fucking person holding a goddam checklist to make sure the biscuit goes in the basket. also, they could save some trees by making their Big Box not-so-big. it's like buying Magnums if you're Asian -- FORGETABOUTIT!. you don'd need em! uh, and i guess in conclusion, time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.